Bed Life and Beyond

Lying in bed all the time, you can’t help but feel grief for the losses you’ve had getting to this point and the ongoing losses you face. The loss of friendships of those who’ve just moved on, those who don’t understand, those who think you just need a positive attitude and you’ll be fine. And those who drop off without the input you used to give out. The loss of what you could be doing in your life if you were up walking around. The loss of what you used to be able to do. Your loss of your old identity as a person who was able-bodied. The loss of all the fun stuff you can’t even dream of doing anymore, like camping, or going into your child’s other house because it’s not wheelchair accessible, or swimming, or hiking, or going anywhere there are stairs and no ramps or lifts/elevators. The loss of how fit and how much more slim and attractive you used to be when you were able to move around a lot. The loss of being more simple relationship or friendship material. The loss of vocation or job options. The loss of being able to use knowledge bases the same way, like gardening knowledge as easily and readily. Lots of losses.

All loss comes with the five stages of grief, which don’t always flow in order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You’ll notice yourself going through these stages, and maybe revisiting some, or lingering at a couple for a long time, as you deal with big life change losses.

However you feel, it’s okay. You’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel. It’s important you go through the motions of actually feeling it rather than dodging it. Allow yourself breaks too if you need them. The only way past it is through it, as sh*t as it feels at the time. If you’re feeling like absolute crap emotionally, pat yourself on the back, knowing you’re doing the hard work getting through the pain. It will get easier. It will not last forever.

If you are having thoughts of life not being worth living, and wanting to end your life, it might be time to get help. It shows strength to get help to talk about things like feeling suicidal. The person you talk with should listen well and be happy to help make a plan with you about how to help keep you safe, even from one appointment to the next.

There will be suicide help lines in the country you’re in. Please try giving these a call for free, if you need to talk with someone about this urgently. I’ve called Lifeline on 131114 in Australia in the past and found them to be supportive when I’ve really needed them, when I’ve been thinking about suicide in the distant past. Keep trying to call the number you try until you get through. Your life is worth it. Do whatever you need to get through this as gently and as safely as possible.

I’ve found it invaluable to have a psychologist to talk with regularly. I’ve found a lot of stability that way with my depression. He helps me process the many losses I face, living in bed. I talk with him on the phone because it’s too hard for me to go out in person.

Your GP/doctor is another person you can talk with if you’re having thoughts about suicide or are feeling depressed, or think you might benefit from talking with a therapist of some sort. Your GP should want to know how you’re doing and want to help you with your mental health as well as your physical health.

Practice good self care. Listen to your gut feelings about what you need to take care of yourself safely. Keep up good nutrition and remember to stay hydrated- basics can often get forgotten when you’re under a lot of stress. Take time out to be kind to yourself. Take yourself to places which are rejuvenating for you. if you’re having trouble sleeping, at least rest. Rest is good too. Invest in hobbies you enjoy. It’s investing in life. You matter, and your journey matters.

Most importantly, know that however you’re feeling will ease. It won’t feel this bad forever. Be super gentle on you and care for yourself like you’d care for a good friend.

Remember you don’t have to look at the whole staircase at once, you only need to take one step at a time. And baby steps still go forwards. ♥️